Heart in a Box

I kept my
heart in a box
and put it on a shelf.

So far behind
And untouched
I couldn’t find it myself

The combination
the words
that made it unlock

Those moments
that made it tick
were lost.

Nora woke up every morning to the sound of songbirds, and a self satisfied smile. It has been three years since she had permitted her heart to be lost.   The last time she lost her heart, she hadn't recovered for a long time. Nora knew that she was good looking, that she was smart, and that men found it easy to love her. But she also knew that those men were completely wrong for her.
Never once did she find a man who could match her intellectually. There was always something wrong. Not that the men weren't interesting, they were, or that they weren't intelligent, they were that too, but they remained woefully limited in their interests. So Nora went round looking for that someone who would be able to give her a quip? when she was in need of one.
never finding that man, she reconciled herself to her fate, kept both her feet firmly on the pedestal and looked down on the men who walked past. Then one day, her frustration peaked and a man happened to cross her path. Now he was a silly man, perfectly unsuited for someone like Nora, but he was nice, so Nora treated him well. She even let him in to her life, told him some of her secrets and loved him the tiniest bit.
then he decided that theirs was a relationship based on carnality and that it should remain that way. Nora asked him why he thought so, he said it was obvious from the beginning and that it never really meant anything to him at all.
hurt, and then hurt at being hurt, she quietly broke things up, locked her heart away and Reconciled herself to a life of solitude with the imaginary intelligentsia.
then one day, a man named Phil made an appearance in her life. He was the exact kind that Nora didn't want. Ignorant, sloppy and a massive fool in most ways. She merely sneered at him, and considered the fact that good looks did not a person decide. She pushed her heart further back on the shelf and socialised with him in a curious disaffected way.

I put my
heart in a box
and put it on a shelf

you picked it up
so softly
so tenderly, I could melt.

a soft caress
a slow kiss
a rush of passion strong.

an urgency felt
with soft lips
stirred a fire dormant long.

Nora didn't realize when she started liking hanging out with phil. but nevertheless she found herself waiting for his phone call, his wide smile and his easy effervescent ways. Phil had a gift, he was able to draw people out. So one day Nora found herself telling Phil everything, lying next to him on the grass. And then she turned toward him and he was looking at her like she had never seen before. Yielding to desire in his eyes, she closed her eyes.
When Nora opened her eyes, she would almost always find Phil next to her. She hadn't loved him yet, not in the true sense of the word. But she knew this was good till it would last, and it would do well to soothe her body's desire till she found her true love who would soothe her mind as well. At least Phil made her smile. She didn't feel terrible in using him, because he seemed to be coming from the same place. And that made things so much simpler.
Then one day he got her flowers, and she smiled. One night they stayed up talking and she had smiled bigger through her sleep filled eyes. It took her a long time to understand what the smiles meant, but she had already placed her heart so high up, she had forgotten how to get it down.

I put my
heart in box
and put it on a shelf

but when I climbed
to get it down
it is  for you I fell

you caught me
of course you did
but I fell anyway

now for me
bound to me
fallen you must stay

Phil made Nora happy in unique ways. She didn't feel he was her intellectual match, but she liked him anyway because it didn't matter. He would be over eager to learn from her whatever she wanted him to, and he always asked after the book she happened to be currently reading. It had long been in Nora's mind that if a guy wanted to strike a conversation with her he should ask about  the book she were adding, because she was always reading anyway.
It was hard to imagine for Nora, that she would fall for a guy like Phil, but she did and she liked it. One day she found the time to confess to him her feelings and Phil was severely non committal about the whole situation. He spoke about things like lust and bodily hunger, which seemed to be plaguing both of them, and that they really shouldn't take this seriously, because they were a long way off from love. Which was funny, because she had seen the way he looked at her and presumed he was just shy to talk about things she could see from a long way off, and hence she had picked up the conversation.
it took Nora some time to realize what was going on, but she caught on eventually. It took her a long time to come to the conclusion because she honestly didn't want to see it. She really didn't want to know that he had found love with someone else. Or that he had been kidding her the whole time. But she did find out, and that was that. So she went ahead and found out more information about the woman who had the gall to do something like that to her. She used all her means to make sure that the woman didn't have hold on Phil so that she could pick up where they left off.
In her days she plotted revenge on the woman and spent her time trying to guess the perfume she found on Phil's shirt. That it was cheap, she knew. But the plethora of cheap perfumes didn't help her pick the one it was, or the one who wore it. So she waited. She waited that one day Phil would come to her to breakup, or that one day she would confront him and just, not look at his silly deep blue eyes. Till that day she simmered and bubbled every time Phil came over. Because till she said something, nothing could end.
then one day, Phil came home and told her. He told her all about the sister he had and the Parkinson’s Syndrome she had. He told her that it had been recently diagnosed and that she had needed a lot of support. He did blink in surprise when she actually knew about the syndrome, because that meant she knew what he was going through, and his eyes absolutely melted when she nodded in understanding. What he didn't see was her eyes hardening and her begrudging the woman's syndrome, because that meant she couldn't have him as much as she wanted, even if she tried.

I put my
heart in a box
and put it on a shelf

you picked it up
and put in yours
and left me without help

wherever you went
you went with it
and I tried to follow

why don't you
just stay here
and not leave my chest hollow

Nora felt totally defenceless when it came to the scenario she had been presented with. Her vast knowledge and intellect couldn't help her face this particular scenario because she hadn’t prepared herself for emotions and unlikely situations. She would sit around everyday, even when she had other things to attend to, and obsess over the fact that Phil wasn't next to her. It wasn't that he wasn't around at all, of course he was. But Nora didn’t want him gone at all, because when he would come back, she could see the sadness in his eyes and his preoccupation with his sister. Even when his visits weren't close, his eyes would be clouded with worry.
Nora now spent an inordinate amount of time trying to come up with ways to get more time out of Phil. Somehow, she wanted more time out of the man she now realized she loved. It was still a matter of confusion if he loved her or not, but since Nora had decided she loved him, it only made sense that he did too, and so she went ahead making up new excuses everyday so that she could have more time out of him. Assuming of course, that he loved as much, if not more.
Nora wasn't daft, she understood what Parkinson's meant and the toll it took on a person, but she still didn't makes any effort to try and meet the woman, or offer any type of help, because as far as she was concerned, she was a hindrance.

I put my
heart in a box
and put it on a shelf

if in your hands
I placed my heart
and you upped and left

there is a lesson
yet for you
at great peril, to learn.

for if you did
I'll hunt you down,
and leave you to burn.

One day, Phil didn’t come back. He called, he sure did. HE explained to her that her sister was having a surgery and that he would have to stay awhile for her recovery, and that he would return, of course he would.

All of it was taking a toll on Nora. It was too much, and it was tearing at her. The old memories came flooding back and she just couldn’t handle the same heartbreak, the same pain all over again. In her double mindedness, she came up with all sorts of explanations for Phil and even convinced herself that there was indeed another woman, and that he was just conning her.

Furious and disbelieving, she promised herself that she would have to leave, to protect herself from all this, she would have to leave. She would leave, and maybe she would leave a piece of her heart behind, but she would indeed leave. There was no other solution. Silently, she gathered her mind around her and rose to leave, seething from inside, she didn’t understand what was going on. She was just furious at Phil for not returning.
She didn’t want to leave a trace of herself behind when she left, let Phil know what abandonment felt like. Let him know how deep her anger ran, something that he couldn’t see in her at all. Fuming and sputtering, she left the apartment, fully packed. Phil wouldn’t remember that she existed. But it didn’t matter, because Nora certainly wouldn’t. If a man couldn’t give her his undivided attention, he might as well forget the mere thought of her.

The next day, Nora got up, and for a few moments, looked for Phil, his smile and the smell of coffee. Then, before it could hurt her, she put him out of her mind and assumed her standard stony expression, but this time it was harder than before.

On the metro to work, the man sitting next to her asked her which book she was reading. She looked up, he had a warm buttery smile flecked with adoration. She smiled back. 

Speak

I just can't seem to say it.
What I've been meaning to all along.
Its tougher than a secret,
And more lyrical than a song.

Maybe I don't know
Maybe I do.
But it's something I gotta say
Only to you.

If only I could find you
If only you could see.
What my eyes say
and what it means to me.

but for that you must exist,
for that you must believe.
For even though we haven't met,
I don't think you'll leave.

Words aren't enough,
or heartbeats true.
I got these feelings inside
Turning me blue.

So wander round
come across me.
I'll lean to you
And give you the key.

unlock the treasure chest,
Where maybe I find words new.
string a sentence as I know best,
And try to say these things to you.

Anarchy

Anarchy isn’t dead,

Its alive inside my head.

Enrapture

A bead of blood,

A bead of sweat,

Caught in her palm.

A need of blood,

A need of sweat,

Caught her in its arms.

Tracing those lines,

A sharp nose,

A sharp knife.

An unearthly shine,

The wrong dose

A wrong life.

For she’d work herself up,

And work herself down,

And she’d walk the pub,

And walk the town.

She’d slither sometimes,

Sometimes she’d skip.

Sometimes her heartbeat

took a dip.

But when her legs

found those legs,

And when her eyes

Saw those eyes,

Four times hers

And four times hers,

Echoing with

Four times the surprise.

A bead of blood,

A bead of sweat,

Would be found here.

A need of blood,

A need of sweat,

Would be found in fear.

(This one is about spiders- now read it again.)

Link for my story: http://d.ustb.in/story/a-kiss/
Please do leave comments.

A kiss

Now


A single drop of sweat made its way down her back. It trickled down languidly, oblivious to the frenzied pace of the body. She gyrated and swayed seductively, beckoning the imaginary men she saw around her. Slowly, as the articles of clothing came off, the barriers came down too. She started dancing faster and faster. Sweat started dripping down her temples, snaking its way between her breasts.


But, no matter how hard she hoped, the sweat couldn’t mask her tears. A salty concoction of both made tiny rivulets down her cheeks as she gasped for air. For exhaustion or despair, no one could tell.


Spotting her sofa, she gave up the dance and collapsed on top of it. Switching off her music system, she wished she could believe in the lyrics of the song that was thumping through the house.


‘My name is Sheila’ it had said. It also proclaimed that she didn’t need anyone to love her, that she could love herself.


‘But I can’t!’ she mentally screamed.






Exhausted, she fell asleep right there on the couch, sprawled in her underwear, the first real sleep she’d had in days. Looking at her face when she was asleep, you really couldn’t make out the sweat from the tears. Maybe she had achieved what she wanted. Even then, her dreams did not leave her alone, her face knotted and creased with each passing moment of slumber, cursing and moaning, she finally let go of her demons in a few moments and gave in to the Sandman’s calls.










5 years earlier.






Aarushi stretched according to the instructions shouted out periodically by the dance instructor. He made sure everyone reached their absolute limits while putting them through this grind. The lithe ones where forced to work harder than the rest.


Ballet classes had been a marvellous move, she mused. If she hadn’t discovered this on a whim, she wouldn’t have found the wonder dance could take her through. She wouldn’t have realised her passion for the art and her flair for it.


Stretching and bending as much as she could, a bit more than she could, she thought over those days when she stuck to the grind and had become the perfect child and role model her parents had prepped her to be.


“Hi!” A happy greeting broke through her reverie. She snapped around a bit too fast, surprised to hear a male voice among the female melee. Caught in an awkward position, with her leg propped up on the bar, she lost her balance and fell. Her thigh felt like it had been ripped apart in two.


“Oh, crap! I am so so sorry! Are you alright?” the man hurried to Aarushi’s side. Wincing in pain she tried getting up, and as she looked up, she started giggling. Bewildered, he stared at her and raised his eyebrow.


“Oh!” she exclaimed. Equally taken aback by her own behaviour.


“It’s just,” she tried explain herself, holding her comment back.


By now she suspected the man feared concussion in her case, so she completed her sentence.


“You’re, wearing, um, tights. Um,” she tried to justify her giggle.


Instead of being offended, like she expected, the man let out a hearty bark of laughter as he helped her hobble across the room and rest her thigh. He even helped her ice it, which sent little tingles running all up and down her spine, right somewhere between the pain emanating from her leg.


After a trip to the hospital, accompanied by the same man wearing tights, she was told she had pulled her hamstring. High on painkillers and still tickled by the tights, she hobbled all the way back home, giggling and alternately relaying her apologies.






Sometime later, the poor man in the tights became more known to her. He brought her flowers everyday, he helped her exercise whatever little she could, and in general nursed her back to enviable condition. He probably atoned for his sins on the way too.


She on the other hand found out that his name was Navin. He had just joined ballet, and he felt slightly pansy doing those moves, even though, he wasn’t a stranger to dance. Navin had learnt Bharatnatyam as a kid and continued his learning in different styles, finally settling on jazz. He’d been a part of several troops, and now, when he felt stagnated, he decided to join Ballet to ‘get his lines back’.


She giggled every so often at his offhand statements like those and he in turn laughed at her mousey and embarrassed giggles. Well, not so much laughed as let a shout of mirth escape his mouth.


Soon they resumed ballet together and got into the habit of rehearsing their routines together as well. Everyone at the studio thought that they were dating. Everyone decided that it was love at first sight. Everyone also felt that they made a perfect couple and were perfect dancers together.


Everyone had gotten most of their facts right. It was love at first sight, but of a different kind. A spark had ignited, and neither wanted to douse it by putting it through the thing they called ‘love’. A relationship took an unimaginable toll on people and they decided to steer clear of that part.


So they remained friends and made the most of it, enjoying the spark they saw everyday in their eyes as they preened in the mirror, and they spent the day trying to pass the sparkle onto the other’s eyes. A proud relationship of love, but none of its trials.






Navin got several chances to take his dance forward, he was told he could do much better as a student in other schools, where they would gladly take him. He steadily refused, and Aarushi felt she had something to do with that. Aarushi, on the other hand, was neither told that she could be marvellous, nor did she want to be. She was quite satisfied in living each day in the routine she had crafted, going to her office in the day and living her dream in the night. Giving her parent the happiness they wanted, and giving herself the happiness she wanted.


Navin and Aarushi grew closer by the day. Somehow, though, she never really got around to discussing Navin. That was a topic they always glossed over. He’d disappear for days in a row, and she never really found out why. He asked her not too, and she respected what they had a bit too much.


Aarushi knew where he lived, had even met his mother, but never got to know her further. He’d always steer the topic towards herself, and she’d be thoroughly engrossed in herself in a few moments.


Sometimes, though, rare as they were, Navin talked of his fears and he talked about his family. These were precious conversations for Aarushi. And even though she made most of these occasions, she only ever knew the tip of the iceberg, as she realised herself. Somehow, Navin talked of his childhood openly, his future openly, but never his present. And it bothered Aarushi that she couldn’t get past this wall.


Navin knew Aarushi inside out, and he was like a second son to her parents. Her entire family would gather on festivals and poke and prod her about him. They would ask her again and again about that nice boy and what he did, where he lived, who he was. Aarushi could never answer those questions convincingly. Although she knew all those answers, she never knew the reasons.






5 days ago


This had been Navin’s longest disappearing act in some time. He hadn’t called or messaged and been completely out of touch. Aarushi kept checking his Facebook and Twitter streams for movement. It seemed like he’d freaked out about what had happened a few days ago. They had come dangerously close to breaking their pact to remain ‘just friends’.


Even though she understood the logic behind the pact, it did not justify him running away from her like that. Before that day, she’d always suspected he was gay, or maybe he’d had some terrible experience with relationships. But now, she was not so sure. Images of him having a mad wife locked in his house a la Mr. Rochester stormed through her head, driving her absolutely nuts.






Aarushi decided to confront Navin. She decided to ring his door bell, barge inside, and demand he reveal his secrets. And he did.


His room, so neat and white, was not adorned with pictures of dance gurus, or idols of some other kind. There was an oxygen tank and a heart monitor beeping peacefully beside his bed, where he lay. He smiled his usual twinkling smile at her and asked her to come and sit beside him. She obliged, a little too taken aback.


“I thought I’d tell you when the time came, turns out, it never did. Now my time has come.” He smiled. A little too peacefully for a dying man. He held her hand close to his dying heart and pulled her close. She felt his weak breath brush her nose and as they kissed, a slow delicate kiss, she knew she always wanted this. She knew she’d been waiting her life for this. And then, just like that, he said goodbye.






Today


Barely a day later, she’d received a letter from him, explaining all that had happened and why he chose to keep his silence. Understanding his quaint ideas about ‘ruining’ her life and calling a future between them ‘futile’, she decided to snap out of it, just like that, and pick up where she left off.


It was today, a lazy Sunday, a day she’d spend dancing and loving Navin, in any way she could, that it all came crashing down around her. She’d danced in his memory and danced for herself till she could no more, and fell into a deep peaceful slumber on her couch.






Now


Aarushi wakes up from her dream filled sleep. She licked her lips, trying to feel Navin’s last embrace. She wished he hadn’t gone, She wished he’d let her in.






She realised why they had been only friends all this time. But, now that he was gone, she wanted to move on. She made up her mind to honour the love Navin had towards her and to build up her life and keep moving forward to find the man who would kiss her forever, and not quit on her like Navin had.


And just like that, amidst the salty taste on her lips, she tasted the sweetness of a kiss.

Comfort

Enchanting and mellow

It leaked out of her cello

A pall of yellow

O hollow fellows

Each time it fluttered

Her heart would unclutter

Then the music stuttered

Holding thoughts shuttered

Through her eyes it would soar

Bringing thoughts to the fore

Then, before it said more

It shrank back from the shore

It would slowly leak

The melody of the meek

Freedom it would seek

On horizons bleak

Her cello stopped

Her tears mopped

Her head locked

Itself it mocked.